The world would be a much cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes

There should be an observation deck at Wal-Mart.

Soaking a coworkers name tag in white diamonds perfume as payback.

I don't think my mom gets my humor

I consider the fact that I haven't gotten pregnant to be one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle this ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0" weeks once per week.

So many free drink tickets so little time....I'm gonna need an extra liver

I don't wanna brag....but I'm pretty sure my family can out drink your family!

They need to make a GPS app that tells you when you are about to enter a sketchy neighborhood.

I need to apologize to Las Vegas. I took you for granted and I'm sorry. Its just that we had been together for five years and I needed something new. I now realize what I had. Please take me back....I'm not made for California. They close the bars at 1am and no one drinks on the weekdays.